


Philanthropy! The Musical

by jaclynhyde



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: 1920s, AU, Gangsters, M/M, musical numbers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-05
Updated: 2009-12-05
Packaged: 2017-10-04 04:40:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaclynhyde/pseuds/jaclynhyde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was written for <a href="mgs_exchange.livejournal.com">mgs_exchange</a> with the prompt: "Snake and Otacon are vigilantes in the 1920's during the Prohibition. Ocelot is smuggling illegal Canadian liquor into Chicago, and it's up to Philanthropy to stop them. Broadway musical style please, complete with dance numbers." That about sums it up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**_Philanthropy!_**  
The Musical

**ACT 1.**

SCENE 1.

_(SHADOW MOSES, 1920's. We see the stage of Shadow Moses, a once opulent theater that looks like it's seen better days. And better inhabitants, too. The stage is populated by a smattering of actors and stage crew: collectively, the PLAYERS. Two dancers, LADY and TRAMP, are dressed in flamboyant costumes and practicing the Charleston. The dance probably doesn't call for them to press _quite_ that close to each other. Near the front of the stage, there is a long prop table, props carefully set on one half; the other half contains AVES, a very large tattooed man, ANDERSON and WOLFF, both attractive people half in costume, and SERBER, an obese man who is neither. AVES is dealing a hand of poker while ANDERSON is taking surreptitious swigs from a bottle under the table. GELLER, a sickly-looking man wearing a surgical mask, meticulously fiddles with the props next to them. There is music playing.)_

**GELLER**

Deal me in.

**SERBER, ANDERSON, WOLFF, &amp; AVES**

No.

**SERBER**

_(To the tune of "Fugue for Tinhorns")_

I'VE GOT A WINNER HERE  
YOUR CHIPS'LL DISAPPEAR  
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY YOU THINK YOU'LL PERSEVERE  
GROW FAT, GROW FAT, I'LL LAUGH AND I WILL GROW FAT  
I'VE WON, GROW FAT, GROW FAT, GROW FAT.

_(SERBER continues singing as ANDERSON starts in.)_

GROW FAT, GROW FAT, I'LL LAUGH AND I WILL GROW FAT  
I'VE WON, GROW FAT, GROW FAT, GROW FAT.

_(WOLFF comes in as SERVER and ANDERSON continue. SERBER waves LADY over, and she comes with TRAMP in tow.)_

I KNOW THIS LUCKY DAME  
SHE'LL HELP ME WIN THE GAME  
WASTING HER PROFICIENCY WOULD BE SUCH A SHAME  
GOOD LUCK, GOOD LUCK, THE LADY WILL GIVE ME LUCK  
YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK, GOOD LUCK, GOOD LUCK

_(LADY kisses her fingertips and presses then to SERBER'S cards.)_

THIS HAND IS DYNAMITE  
I'M GONNA WIN TONIGHT  
AND IF YOU AREN'T CAREFUL THEN IT MIGHT JUST IGNITE  
GROW FAT, GROW FAT, I'LL LAUGH AND I WILL GROW FAT  
I'VE WON, GROW FAT, GROW FAT, GROW FAT.

**ANDERSON**

_(ANDERSON doesn't let singing distract him from unsuccessfully trying to peek at his fellow players' cards.)_

HERE, HAVE A DRINK ON ME  
I'LL LET YOU TRY FOR FREE  
IT TASTES MUCH BETTER WHEN IT'S HAD ILLEGALLY  
DRINK UP, DRINK UP, WE'VE GOT IT SO LET'S DRINK UP  
ENJOY, DRINK UP, DRINK UP, DRINK UP.

_(WOLFF starts singing as ANDERSON &amp; SERBER continue.)_

SURE YOU DON'T WANT A TASTE?  
THIS STUFF CAN'T BE REPLACED  
THE ONLY HOOCH IN TOWN HAD BETTER NOT GO TO WASTE  
ONE SIP, ONE SIP, A LITTLE TO WET YOUR LIP  
YOU'D LOVE A SIP, ONE SIP, ONE SIP.

JUST HAVE A DRINK ON ME  
I'LL LET YOU TRY FOR FREE  
IT TASTES MUCH BETTER WHEN IT'S HAD ILLEGALLY  
DRINK UP, DRINK UP, WE'VE GOT IT SO LET'S DRINK UP

**WOLFF**

I HAVE AN EYE FOR TRICKS  
AND PLAYERS' TELLING TICS  
BUT WATCH ME ALL YOU WANT, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT I PICK  
STAY CALM, STAY CALM, I'LL WIN THIS SINCE I STAY CALM  
SO STILL AND CALM, STAY CALM, STAY CALM

GO ON AND TRY TO BLUFF  
TRY GIVING ME THE GUFF  
YOU'RE SURE TO TIP YOUR HAND IF I JUST WAIT LONG ENOUGH  
I'LL WAIT, I'LL WAIT, YOU'LL GIVE IT UP IF I WAIT  
I'LL WATCH AND WAIT, I'LL WAIT, I'LL WAIT

I'LL NEVER MISS YOUR TRICKS  
NOR ANY TELLING TICS  
BUT WATCH ME ALL YOU WANT, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT I PICK

**WOLFF**

WATCH AND WAIT

**ANDERSON**

HAVE A SIP

**SERBER**

DISAPPEAR

**WOLFF, ANDERSON, &amp; SERBER**

I'VE GOT A WINNER--

**GELLER**

_(GELLER interrupts right before the last note. He points to SERBER,)_ He's bluffing, _(then to WOLFF,)_ she's about to fold, _(and then to ANDERSON.)_ and he's not bright enough to know when he's won. _(The others stare at him.)_

**AVES**

This is why we won't deal you in.

**MAY** _(offstage)_  
Hello? _(Everyone's attention snaps to MAY as she enters and approaches Shadow Moses' stage--she's a pretty young flapper looking around the theater with wonder. She seems excessively earnest.)_ You're the Re-Mi-Do-Do-Sol troupe, right? I've heard so much about you! _(As she comes closer to the stage, she notices Anderson with surprise.)_ Mister Don Anderson? From Broadway?

**ANDERSON**

_(He stands up and bows.)_ The one and only, my dear. And you are?

**MAY**

_(She excitedly makes her way onstage.)_ May. May Silverburgh. I always wanted to be an actress, and I've heard all about you, and since you're in town... _(She trails off, not noticing the scrutiny she's getting from everyone except the pleasantly smiling ANDERSON.)_ Well, are you accepting new members?

**WOLFF**

_(After a moment.)_ Well. You can audition.

**MAY**

_(To the tune of "I Got Rhythm". As MAY sings and dances, the PLAYERS watch and quietly whisper to each other. GELLER and ANDERSON seem to be starting much of the whispering.)_

I GOT RHYTHM  
I GOT MUSIC  
I GOT ACTING  
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?

I GOT A CHANCE  
TO AUDITION  
I GOT YOUR EAR  
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?

IN THE SPOTLIGHT  
I'M NO ROOKIE  
TAKE A LOOK-SEE  
AT MY ACT

I GOT BIG HOPES  
I GOT BIG DREAMS  
I GOT FREEDOM  
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?  
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?

**WOLFF**

_(As the song ends, ANDERSON mutters something in WOLFF'S ear. She nods.)_

Not bad. We'd like you to stay with us for a while.

**MAY**

Oh, peachy keen!

**WOLFF**

Let me introduce you to the others. _(She gestures to the PLAYERS as she introduces them.)_ You know Don. I'm Lydia Wolff, another actor. Tramp and Lady Luck are two of our dancers. Then we have the backstage crew--Serber, our special effects man; Geller, our propmaster. _(AVES has been moving closer to MAY as WOLFF has been speaking. He suddenly grabs MAY from behind, effectively keeping her from moving.)_ Oh, yes. Aves, our stagehand.

**MAY**

What--

**ANDERSON**

_(He's decidedly less friendly now.)_ And now we'll ask again who you are. Truthfully, this time.

**MAY**

_(She stiffens.)_ I'm not-- _(She tries to pull away from AVES. She's not going anywhere.)_

**ANDERSON**

_(He laughs.)_ Let's just say I know the trade, doll. _(His demeanor changes completely--he's less poised and he's developed a thick Chicago accent.)_ Lon Octavius--the world's greatest actor you've never heard of. _(He tips his hat as the music starts, and GELLER moves up next to MAY.)_

**GELLER**

And nobody's secrets get past me, _Meryl. (MERYL flinches at her name.)_

(To the tune of "Minnie the Moocher")

HEY FOLKS HERE'S THE STORY ABOUT MISS MERYL CAMPBELL  
SHE THOUGHT THAT SHE WOULD TAKE A GAMBLE  
JUST LIKE THE ROUGHEST TOUGHEST SPY  
BUT SINCE WE'VE FOUND HER OUT--

**PLAYERS**

What now?

**GELLER**

WELL NOW SHE MUST DIE.  
LI DE LI DE LI DE LI

**PLAYERS**

LI DE LI DE LI DE LI

**GELLER**

LO DE LO DE LO DE LO

**PLAYERS**

LO DE LO DE LO DE LO

**GELLER**

LA DE LI DE LU LE LO

**PLAYERS**

LA DE LI DE LU LE LO

**GELLER &amp; PLAYERS**

AND SINCE WE'VE FOUND HER OUT MISS MERYL WILL DIE.

**OCELOT** _(offstage)_

Not just yet. _(OCELOT enters. He is an old, distinguished looking man with long white hair wearing a dapper pinstripe suit. The spurs are a little incongruous.)_ Meryl Campbell is far more useful to us alive.

_(The second OCELOT takes a step closer, MERYL elbows AVES hard in the stomach. He doubles over, and she makes a break for it--unfortunately, OCELOT draws a revolver and points it at her forehead as soon as she moves. AVES grabs her again, more roughly.)_

I can think of many things to do that won't kill you, of course. _(He gives the revolver a twirl, then points it at her knee.)_

**MERYL**

What do you want?

**OCELOT**

You're obviously here for a reason, Miss Campbell. Why don't you tell us?

**MERYL**

You're no acting troupe. You're bootleggers.

**OCTAVIUS**

I'll have you know we got excellent reviews! _(At OCELOT'S look, he slinks back.)_

**OCELOT**

Not the only ones. What's so special about the Re-Mi-Do-Do-Sol?

**MERYL**

I heard rumors about the bastard in charge of 'em.

**OCELOT**

_(He laughs, and gives her a mocking bow.)_ Adam Ocelot. The pleasure is all mine.

**MERYL**

_(Although she tries to hide it, she looks frightened.)_ So it is true.

**OCELOT**

The rumors about me usually are. _(He leisurely aims the revolver at her other knee.)_ And how's your uncle doing? Police Commissioner, is he now?

**AVES**

He sending you to do his dirty work?

**MERYL**

I'm here on my own. My uncle has nothing to do with this.

**GELLER**

Probably not. But your _father_ does.

**MERYL**

_(She stares at him.)_ How did you--

_(GELLER only taps the side of his head. He's probably smirking underneath the mask.)_

**OCELOT**

The Commissioner's secret _daughter! (He steps over to MERYL and strokes the side of her face.)_ My friends, I don't think we'll be leaving this town anytime soon. _(He moves past her towards the wings.)_ Keep her quiet--I have a phone call to make.

_(Fade to black as OCELOT exits and the PLAYERS surround MERYL.)_

**SCENE 2.**

_(COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE. CAMPBELL, an older man in uniform, is pacing back and forth, obviously worried. Upon passing his desk, he picks up the phone, but pauses as he goes to dial; with a frustrated growl, he hangs the phone up and sits down tensely. A moment later, there is a knock at the door.)_

**CAMBELL**

Come in.

_(The door opens, and two men walk in. The first, PLISSKEN, is a grizzled man smoking a cigarette; the other, EMMERICH, is scrawny and somewhat unkempt, with a pair of glasses he keeps pushing up his face. EMMERICH closes the door once they enter. PLISSKEN and CAMPBELL look at each other silently for a moment; there is obviously some history between them. EMMERICH just watches PLISSKEN.)_

**CAMPBELL**

It's good to see you again, Plissken. _(He nods to EMMERICH.)_ Dr. Emmerich.

**PLISSKEN**

_(PLISSKEN doesn't say anything for a moment, then flashes him a quick but genuine smile.)_ You too, Commissioner.

_(CAMPBELL pulls out two chairs in front of his desk, and PLISSKEN and EMMERICH sit down.)_

I'm guessing this isn't a social call.

**CAMPBELL**

Far from it. _(He won't look them in the eye.)_ My daughter is being held hostage by Adam Ocelot.

**PLISSKEN**

_(He and EMMERICH start.)_ Ocelot?

**EMMERICH**

He's here?

**CAMPBELL**

And he's picked up a team of bootleggers--a former acting troupe, from what I hear.

**PLISSKEN**

An acting troupe?

**CAMPBELL**

The Re-Mi-Do-Do-Sol. It may seem absurd, but they're not to be taken lightly. _(He slams a hand on the desk in frustration.)_ And I can't do a _thing_ about them because Ocelot has Meryl!

**EMMERICH**

_(Flatly.)_ And you want us to deal with them.

**CAMPBELL**

I'm sorry to ask this--

**EMMERICH**

Remember what happened the last time you sent us to deal with Ocelot?

**CAMPBELL**

You succeeded in--

**EMMERICH**

_(Angrily)_ Ocelot shot Dave in the gut! He nearly died!

**PLISSKEN**

Yeah, Hal. I did. _(He puts a hand on EMMERICH'S shoulder.)_ I knew the risks.

**CAMPBELL**

Dr. Emmerich, you know Meryl's mother passed away recently. Meryl's all I have left. _(He swallows.)_ You have to understand, I have no other choice.

_(To the tune of "It Had To Be You")_

IT HAS TO BE YOU  
IT HAS TO BE YOU  
IF I MAKE A MOVE  
HE'LL DISAPPROVE  
WE KNOW WHAT HE'LL DO  
TO MAKE ME STAY TRUE  
TO SEE HIS PLANS THROUGH  
I'M IN SUCH A BIND  
SO I HAD TO FIND  
SOMEONE LIKE YOU

YOU'VE STOPPED HIM BEFORE  
JUST DO IT ONCE MORE  
I KNOW YOU'LL SUCCEED  
THEN I WON'T NEED  
TO MOURN MERYL TOO  
THERE'S NOBODY ELSE  
WHOSE TALENT I'D TRUST  
I CAN'T GET HER BACK  
BUT SOMEONE MUST!  
IT HAS TO BE YOU,  
CAPABLE YOU,  
IT HAS TO BE YOU!

**EMMERICH**

_(EMMERICH was obviously touched by the song.)_ I know what it's like to lose someone you love. And I-- _(His eyes flick to PLISSKEN for a brief moment.)_ I don't want to see it happen again.

**PLISSKEN**

We're in, Commissioner.

**EMMERICH**

_(He's gaining enthusiasm.)_ We'll get her out. And _someone_ needs to stop the biggest bootlegger in the country. We won't let Ocelot get away with any more!

**CAMPBELL**

I knew I could count on the founders of Philanthropy. That is what you call yourselves now, isn't it?

**PLISSKEN**

_(With a grimace)_ Emmerich's idea.

**EMMERICH**

Hey!

**PLISSKEN**

_(In his best EMMERICH impression)_ Philanthropy--setting things right where the law fears to tread.

**CAMPBELL**

Ah, Plissken, could you at least pretend to work within the bounds of the law while you're sitting in a police station?

**PLISSKEN**

_(He smirks.)_ Just deny all knowledge of us once we're done here.

**CAMPBELL**

_(He pulls a stack of files out from his desk.)_ Anyway, here's all the information I have on the Re-Mi-Do-Do-Sol.

**EMMERICH**

_(And EMMERICH pulls out a bigger stack of files from his briefcase.)_ I have more. _(PLISSKEN snickers, and EMMERICH grins proudly.)_ It's what I do. _(He spreads all the files, including blueprints, out on CAMPBELL'S desk, and the three lean over them.)_ Aha! This looks like a good place to start...

_(To the tune of "Nagasaki")_

LISTEN IF YOU CAN  
WE CAN MAKE A PLAN  
THAT'LL GET DAVE RIGHT INSIDE INTO THE LAIR  
IF WE GO AT ONE  
AS WOLFF'S SHIFT IS DONE  
WAIT A COUPLE MINUTES AND YOU'RE ALMOST THERE

**PLISSKEN**

_(PLISSKEN speak-sings in fine Rex Harrison fashion.)_

Right as the guard is changing I can sneak   
They'll be noisy and defenses will be weak

**EMMERICH**

_(He points at the blueprints as he sings.)_

JUST TAKE THE FIRST SET OF STAIRS  
TO THIS NOOK BEHIND THE CHAIRS  
RIGHT HERE IN THE THEATER WHERE YOUR ENTRANCE WILL BE NEATER   
AND UNGUARDED FROM PHILANTHROPY

**PLISSKEN**

These corners can't be bright  
They'll keep me out of sight

**EMMERICH**

BACK IN SHADOW MOSES WHERE THE GROUP THAT WE OPPOSE IS  
UNPREPARED TO FACE PHILANTHROPY

**CAMPBELL**

AND THERE'S WHERE MERYL  
IS KEPT IN PERIL

**EMMERICH**

OCELOT IS THERE TOO. Hmmm.  
IF I CAN TRACK HIM  
AND THEN DISTRACT HIM

**PLISSKEN**

I'll grab Meryl, get her through

**CAMPBELL**

YOU ASTONISH ME ONCE AGAIN  
GOOD LUCK TO YOU, GENTLEMEN  
HEAD TO SHADOW MOSES WHERE THE GROUP THAT YOU'LL EXPOSE IS  
UNPREPARED TO FACE PHILANTHROPY

**CAMPBELL, EMMERICH, &amp; PLISSKEN**

NOW TO SHADOW MOSES WHERE THE GROUP THAT [YOU'LL/WE'LL] EXPOSE IS  
UNPREPARED TO FACE PHILANTHROPY!

_(CAMPBELL shakes PLISSKEN'S hand as the lights fade to black.)_

[Part 2](http://jaclynhyde.livejournal.com/2532.html)


	2. Philanthropy! The Musical (Part 2)

**SCENE 3.**

_(SHADOW MOSES. The scene opens on the backstage of the theater, and there's a raucous party in full swing. The centerpiece is MERYL, securely tied to a chair and gagged as well. She looks less than happy. The booze is flowing freely, and the PLAYERS are enjoying themselves mightily. SERBER is attempting to start a game of charades while leaning against the relocated prop table; GELLER alternates between watching MERYL and threatening SERBER when he gets to close to the props. Whenever GELLER's attention is off her, MERYL subtly tests the strength of her bonds. The rest of the PLAYERS, absent OCTAVIUS, are ignoring them and playing craps. Or, at least, throwing dice haphazardly on the ground while drinking.)_

**LADY**

_(She's rolling the dice.)_ Come to mama...yes!

**WOLFF**

Another win. What a surprise.

**AVES**

_(He reaches into his pocket for some more cash and grimaces.)_ Anyone seen the boss lately?

**SERBER**

Nope. Lucky for this one. _(He gestures towards MERYL.)_

**TRAMP**

More than she knows. _(He takes LADY by the arm and stalks towards MERYL, who flinches away. Music begins to play.)_ But you've heard of him, haven't you? You should know _exactly_ how much trouble you're in.

_(To the tune of "Mack the Knife")_

OH THE WILDCAT HAS SHARP CLAWS, DEAR  
AND A BITE THAT CUTS THROUGH BONE  
TAKE THAT WILDCAT FROM THE WILD  
AND HE'LL JUST MAKE THE TOWN HIS OWN

GIVE THAT WILDCAT A REVOLVER  
AND HE'LL NEVER MISS A SHOT  
HE'S A SCHEMING PRINCE OF CRIME, DEAR  
AND THEY CALL HIM OCELOT

**LADY**

WHEN THE BARS ARE DRY AS EGYPT  
AND THE FUZZ BREATHE DOWN YOUR NECK  
THEN IT'S TIME FOR DESPERATE MEASURES  
AND SOMEONE TO KEEP 'EM ALL IN CHECK

HE WILL SERVE YOU WITH A SMILE  
BUT YOU'D BETTER, BETTER NOT STAND IN HIS WAY  
COPS AND ROBBERS ALL TRY TO BEST HIM  
BUT THE WILDCAT ALWAYS GETS HIS PREY

_(Dance break! While LADY and TRAMP hoof it, OCELOT strolls in and tips MERYL's chin up. He smiles unpleasantly.)_

**OCELOT**

ALL THE CHIPS ARE IN MY CORNER  
AND YOU'RE THE TRUMP CARD UP MY SLEEVE  
NOW THAT DADDY'S IN MY POCKET  
YOU'D BETTER NOT EXPECT TO LEAVE

**OCELOT &amp; THE PLAYERS**

WE'RE IN THE CLEAR NOW! START THE PARTY  
NOW WE KNOW WE WON'T GET CAUGHT  
LET THE DRINKS FLOW IN CELEBRATION  
RAISE YOUR GLASS TO OCELOT!

_(The PLAYERS make a toast.)_

**AVES**

What's the news, boss?

**OCELOT**

The Commissioner graciously agreed to continue our business relationship. For now, at least. _(He runs a hand through MERYL'S hair.)_ I look forward to...convincing him if he changes his mind.

**MERYL**

Mmphgh--!

**TRAMP**

Care to join us for a drink?

**OCELOT**

I have some things to take care of first. _(He walks towards a door on stage right.)_ Try not to pass out--remember what happened to Octavius last time.

**GELLER**

He was asking for it.

_(OCELOT continues through the door, and the lights go down on the rest of the stage while the lights go up on his office. It's as opulent as the rest of the theater, and more well-preserved. He sits down at his desk as music starts playing; he quietly chuckles to himself and kicks his boots up on the desk.)_

**OCELOT**

_(To the tune of "Razzle Dazzle")_

GIVE 'EM THE OLD RAZZLE DAZZLE  
RAZZLE DAZZLE 'EM  
JUST LET THEM THINK YOU'RE SHOCKED BY NEWS THEY BRING  
THEY'LL NEVER KNOW YOU'VE PLANNED OUT EVERYTHING  
SHOW 'EM THE OLD BLACKMAIL SHUFFLE  
COERCE AND THREATEN 'EM  
USE WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO GAIN THE UPPER HAND  
WHEN EVERYONE IS IN YOUR POCKET  
DO WHAT YOU WANT--WHO'S LEFT TO BLOCK IT?  
RAZZLE DAZZLE 'EM--YOU'LL GET EVERY DEMAND

_(OCTAVIUS knocks as the instrumental music continues on._)

**OCELOT**

C'mon in. _(OCTAVIUS enters. OCELOT gets up and motions for him to close the door, which he does.)_ Back already? What's Campbell up to?

**OCTAVIUS**

Bad news, boss.

**OCELOT**

What?

**OCTAVIUS**

He's bringing in some hoods to get the doll. Call themselves Philanthropy. _(He pulls a picture out of his pocket and hands it to OCELOT, who starts chuckling. OCTAVIUS looks at him, a little alarmed.)_ Boss?

**OCELOT**

We'll talk later. _(He shoos OCTAVIUS out the door and addresses the picture.)_ I've been looking forward to meeting you again for a _long_ time.

THROW 'EM THE OLD BAIT AND TACKLE  
TRAP AND CAPTURE 'EM  
SHOW 'EM A GIRL WHO'S YOUNG AND INNOCENT  
HONOR DICTATES RESPONSE IS IMMINENT  
GIVE 'EM THE OLD PUPPET THEATER  
USE AND PLAY WITH 'EM   
NUDGE THEM TO TAKE THEIR PART WITHIN THE DANCE  
GIVE 'EM THE SHOT TO STOP MY FOUL PLANS  
WATCH AS THEY PLAY RIGHT INTO MY HANDS  
RAZZLE DAZZLE 'EM AND THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE!

_(OCELOT leans against his desk with a smirk, spinning his revolver as the lights fade to black.)_

**SCENE 4.**

_(SHADOW MOSES, exterior. It's night, and the stage is dimly lit. We see only the corner of Shadow Moses on stage left. On stage right, there is a street lamp, not visible from the building; PLISSKEN and EMMERICH, both dressed in drab grey, enter and stop by the streetlight. EMMERICH pulls out the theater blueprints from his pocket, and he and PLISSKEN look over them and examine the building. EMMERICH seems distracted, watching PLISSKEN more than he's looking at the plans.)_

**EMMERICH**

You're completely clear on the plan, right?

**PLISSKEN**

Yes.

**EMMERICH**

And you know how to get past everyone?

**PLISSKEN**

Yes.

**EMMERICH**

And you'd better not get shot again.

**PLISSKEN**

Yes, mother. _(After a moment)_ You be careful too. _(He glances down awkwardly.)_ You, uh, don't have to be in the middle of things.

**EMMERICH**

Don't start, Dave. You know I'll follow you wherever you go.

**PLISSKEN**

_(He looks up with a fond smile.)_ Yeah. I know.

_(EMMERICH smiles back, but it falters after a second.)_

You okay?

**EMMERICH**

Uh-- _(He shakes his head, unable to come out and say it. Conveniently, music has started to play.)_

(To the tune of "Someone to Watch Over Me")

THERE'S A SAYING OLD, SAYS THAT LOVE IS BLIND--  
DON'T KNOW _WHY_ IT'S TOLD, I CAN SEE JUST FINE--

**PLISSKEN**

_(exasperated)_ Hal--

**EMMERICH**

Hold on! There's something that's been on my mind...

EVERY DAY I THOUGHT, I WON'T SAY IT YET  
NOW WE COULD GET CAUGHT BY OUR BIGGEST THREAT  
IF WE DIE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THIS REGRET.

WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE FORMING PHILANTHROPY  
BUT THERE'S STILL SOMETHING I'D CHANGE ABOUT YOU AND ME

**PLISSKEN**

Hal?

**EMMERICH**

_(EMMERICH turns away.)_

THERE'S A FRIEND OF MINE WHO'S SMART AND WHO'S BRAVE  
HE'LL FIGHT TO THE GRAVE, JUST CAN'T BEHAVE  
SOMEONE WHO'LL WATCH OVER ME.

I WAS JUST A SAP AFRAID OF IT ALL  
NOW I STAND TALL; I FOUND MY CALL  
CAUSE SOMEONE WATCHED OVER ME.

BY NOW YOU MUST HAVE THE IMPRESSION  
I HAVE A CONFESSION

_(EMMERICH finally turns around.)_

TO MY HEART, YOU CARRY THE KEY

STANDING SIDE BY SIDE WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT  
NO MATTER WHAT, I'M GLAD I'VE GOT  
SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME

_(PLISSKEN has been quietly watching him. Now he takes EMMERICH'S hand and pulls him into a complex handshake, and, at the end, into a tight hug.)_

**PLISSKEN**

_(For the first time, he's actually singing.)_

YOU KNOW I'M NO GOOD WITH EMOTION--  
DECLARING DEVOTION--  
BUT HAL, YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO ME

_(He pulls away, hands on EMMERICH'S shoulders.)_

STANDING SIDE BY SIDE WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT  
NO MATTER WHAT  
I'M SO GLAD I'VE GOT  
SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME

**EMMERICH &amp; PLISSKEN**

SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME.

_(And they kiss.)_

**EMMERICH**

Ready?

**PLISSKEN**

Of course.

_(The lights go dark except for a spotlight on PLISSKEN and EMMERICH as they crouch down and stealthily move across the stage. They duck into some bushes near the middle of the stage, and another spotlight turns on WOLFF guarding the theater entrance. A slow and quiet instrumental version of "Nagasaki" starts to play. We see WOLFF changing guard with TRAMP, and that's PLISSKEN'S cue. He sneaks past them, timing his movements perfectly to the rhythm of the background music. As he continues sneaking, a spotlight illuminates each new obstacle he comes across. He sneaks past LADY and then SERBER. AVES nearly spots PLISSKEN , but a distant bird call distracts him--and the spotlight comes up on EMMERICH making the call. The lights come up on a large room as PLISSKEN crouches right outside the door and EMMERICH pops up outside the back window. MERYL is tied to a chair in the middle of the room, and OCELOT and GELLER are standing guard. The music fades out as GELLER hums a melancholy tune. It's not long before OCELOT and MERYL find themselves humming it too.)_

**OCELOT**

That tune's beginning to get on my nerves.

**GELLER**

We're even, then.

**OCELOT**

With such a charming personality, how'd you get stuck in this line of work? _(He folds his arms.)_ Seriously. You don't even drink.

**GELLER**

Money. Sowing dissent in the masses. Making your life just a bit more unpleasant.

**OCELOT**

_(He nods his head towards MERYL.)_ Pay attention.

_(As GELLER and OCELOT talk, MERYL quietly shifts against the ropes holding her. She happens to glance back just as EMMERICH'S head briefly pops up in the back window. She stares, and a moment later, EMMERICH comes back into view. He waves at her. MERYL faces forward, and just in view of EMMERICH and the audience, moves her conspicuously unbound hand to her side and wiggles her fingers in a wave back. EMMERICH ducks out of view and MERYL moves her hand back behind her just as GELLER turns around._

**GELLER**

_(Pointedly)_ Yes. She's still there.

_(MERYL looks at a glass of water on a nearby table, then back at GELLER. He grumbles, but brings her the glass of water and undoes her gag. He's humming again.)_

**MERYL**

_(She awkwardly sips at the water--GELLER'S certainly not making it easy.)_ You know what you need? A new song.

_(To the tune of "I Got Rhythm")_

IN THE SPOTLIGHT  
I'M NO ROOKIE

**GELLER**

_(He grabs MERYL by the hair. OCELOT, curiously, does nothing.)_

Stop that.

**MERYL**

TAKE A LOOK-SEE  
AT MY ACT

**GELLER**

_(In a whisper)_ I don't care what the boss says, if you don't stop--

_(He's interrupted by a large crash outside the window. OCELOT runs to the window and fires several shots outside, and GELLER'S head whips around for a moment. This is enough time for MERYL to shrug the ropes from her hands and shove GELLER as hard as she can--directly into PLISSKIN, who dashed into the room with the noise. PLISSKIN draws his gun and knocks GELLER in the head with it; as GELLER is skinny and sickly, it doesn't end too well for him.)_

**OCELOT**

Dammit--!

_(He turns from the window just as PLISSKEN rushes him and knocks him to the ground. They wrestle for control of OCELOT'S revolver as MERYL undoes the ropes restraining her legs. PLISSKEN gains the upper hand and slides the revolver across the room, where the newly-free MERYL picks it up. PLISSKEN pins OCELOT to the ground and points his own gun at OCELOT'S stomach. OCELOT only laughs.)_

Not going for a quick kill?

_(And then there's more of a commotion outside. EMMERICH pops up in the back window again and knocks on it to get MERYL'S attention. PLISSKEN keeps his eyes on OCELOT. EMMERICH mouths the word "Cops!" and ducks out of sight again. He quickly pops back to give MERYL a thumbs up.)_

**MERYL**

My--uncle's coming. Let's go.

**PLISSKEN**

Yeah. _(He unceremoniously knocks OCELOT out with the butt of his gun and goes over to MERYL.)_ You okay?

**MERYL**

_(To the tune of "I Got Rhythm")_

I GOT FREEDOM  
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?  
WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?

_(She holds a hand out to PLISSKEN.)_ Meryl.

**PLISSKEN**

_(He shakes her hand.)_ Plissken. Ever think of going into vigilantism?

**MERYL**

_(She looks at him incredulously.)_ Do you say that to every doll in the police force?

PLISSKEN

C'mon--there's a friend of mine you should meet. _(They climb out the window.)_

_(A moment after they leave, OCELOT enters from the other side of the stage. He looks down at what appears to be his own unconscious body.)_ Not bad, Octavius. _(Stepping over OCTAVIUS, he goes over to the window and peers outside.)_ Until we meet again, Philanthropy. _(He turns and leisurely strolls offstage, unholstering his revolver to twirl it as he goes-- _

turn off the program right now

 

"--aaaagk!" Jack hazily groped at his hair, noting the distinct lack of VR helmet in the way. "What--"

"Heh," said a voice to the side of him. As Jack's vision cleared, the shape of Hal holding the VR helmet swam into view. Hal was very, very red. "You, uh, weren't supposed to see that one."

"Hal." Jack started to say something, then just shook his head. "That was the gayest thing I've ever seen."

Hal managed to blush even more. "Uh--"

"And that's counting some of those Japanimes you brought to movie night."

"Okay, this program is getting password protected _right now._" Still carrying the helmet, Hal headed for the door.

Jack sniggered. "Hey, Hal? Why didn't you give _me_ a part?"

"Oh good, you didn't get to Act II then."

"Hal--"

"Gotta go. See you!"

_"Hal!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Sweet zombie Jesus, I never ever want to put a script into LJ format again.  
> \- Appropriately enough, Ocelot's role got bigger and more convoluted every time I worked on this.  
> \- My metal Octavius sound like Quinton Flynn. I'm not sure why.  
> \- Geller bitching at not!Ocelot is, of course, inspired by Gigaville.  
> \- In Act III, we discover that Ocelot is actually reporting to the mysterious pair of mobsters known only as the Sears brothers. And how is Jack, the new recruit for Philanthropy, connected to them? IT'S A MYSTERY


End file.
